So apparently Fantastic Four is so bad, some people think it shot Cecil.
I haven't read a ton of reviews, but so far my favorite swipe came from the Rolling Stone review: "Everyone pretends to be excited about Reed's invention, a teleporter which can transport a monkey to another dimension. Since this movie has no dimension at all, everyone is envious of the monkey."
A Facebook friend asked why it was apparently impossible to make a good Fantastic Four film. My smart-ass answer, of course, was the name of this blog. "Needs more Hulk." But after a while, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, for once my douchey fanboy catch phrase actually had a damn point.
Back when Kurt Cobain was still alive, a gallon of gas cost less than a diner entree, and a single issue of a comic book cost less than a gallon of gas; Walt Simonson and Arthur Adams brought together a brief but utterly memorable kinda-sorta replacement Fantastic Four team comprised of Hulk, Ghost Rider, Spider-Man, and Wolverine. I say "kinda-sorta" because they didn't really replace the FF. A skrull disguised as Sue Storm fooled them into thinking the rest of the FF was dead.
Now, with this many Fox failures at an FF film franchise, I don't think it takes an industry insider to predict that it's only a matter of time before the Baxter Building's most annoying tenants come under the umbrella of Marvel Studios. But what do they do in the meantime (besides making, apparently, the only good super-hero movies without the letter X in the title)?
Well, 3/4th of the replacement FF's roster are greenlit for Marvel movies. Wolverine is the exception, though he could be replaced. Maybe with the Punisher (who actually made a humorous cameo in the replacement FF storyline because there just weren't enough guest stars). Cobble that team together and call it Four Fantastic Guys or The Fantabulous Four or go the GB route and call them The REAL Fantastic Four. Or to hell with it, just call it Fantastic Four (What? Sue Us if You Want; Yours Sucked).
Hell, maybe go ahead and use Wolverine. Just make him not a mutant. And call him Knife-Punch Man or something.
By the way, if any of the makers of the Lego Marvel Super-Heroes video game are reading this, the fact that I didn't unlock any achievements when I assembled Ghost Rider, Hulk, Spider-Man and Wolverine together on the Latveria level is effin' BS, man. My congressman: it is who I am calling.
Excelsior!
